Travel metaphors

The first time I read "Welcome to Holland", Nathan was a preemie in the hospital and a very well-meaning relative sent a photocopy of an Ann Landers column in which it had been reprinted. We threw it away. We has a very tiny baby with a multitude of problems, and platitudes about tulips via an advice columnist were NOT what we wanted. I avoided the Holland metaphor like the plague, even avoiding reading "Roadmap to Holland" because of the reference. Roadmap to Holland, by the way, turns out to be a very good book about the author's difficulties in the first year after the birth of her premature twins, one of whom has Down Syndrome. It would have been a great book for me to read a bit earlier on, but I avoided it because I thought it was going to be more of this "it's just a different journey" stuff. For me, the early part of this, the adjustment period, was hard. I did not want encouraging metaphors. Even now I am a bit more taken with the less encouraging versions of the travel metaphor, which seem to focus on autism, "Holland, Schmolland" and "Welcome to Beruit". At some point, once I settled into this diagnosis and what it means in our lives, the metaphor about a different parenting journey probably became a bit more applicable and palatable, but I don't think I will ever love "Welcome to Holland".
All in all, I don't think parenting is a lot like international travel. Your life changes, but it is not a temporary vacation, and it's certainly not an escape. With any child, during pregnancy you build up some crazy hopes and dreams that are based on what you want, not on the actual kid you haven't met yet. You have to meet your baby and see who he or she grows and develops to be. And when you learn their interests and challenges, as a parent you tend to identify with other parents who are engaged with those interests and activities. Most people get to go through a slower period of getting to know their child and what their challenges and strengths might be, watching them gradually unfold. When your child gets a diagnosis, especially when this child is only a few days old, those challenges are kind of dumped on you all at once. Those hopes and dreams get crushed, and then it takes some time to get back to the place of learning who your kid is and watching his or her development unfold. And development unfolding is an amazing thing, no matter the pace.
Did you ever wonder what the Dutch think of this metaphor? Do they know about this, that we apparently consider Holland to be a less desirable vacation destination than Italy, one you have to adapt to in order to enjoy? That we have this whole weird metaphor comparing special needs parenting with enjoying their art and architecture? And don't get me started on what the Lebanese might think!
Yesterday I encountered a woman wearing a Welcome to Holland shirt. I struck up an enjoyable conversation with her. I appreciated the shirt because it helped me to recognize another parent of a child with special needs, a bit like a team shirt. She told me most people she meets think it is a travel shirt, from a literal trip to Holland, so it's a bit of an insider shirt. While I may not love the metaphor overall, I liked it in that moment because it helped me to recognize someone with whom I might have something in common and provided an easy beginning to a conversation. We did have some things to talk about and "Holland" provided that link.